I was born march 25,Â
in the middle of an earth quake, Â
I lived happily with both parentsÂ
until my mother fell into a bad addiction to heroine. Â
I lived a happy life with my fatherÂ
and was a sweet, attentive student.
dad started dating.
I gave them hell.
when i was about 7 mom came back into my life
with a new found sobriety.
I began middle school,
instantly rejected by those around me.
But i was still content,
to wrapped up in my lingering childhood Â
to notice what an outcast i was.
chubby and boyish with frizzy hair.
between the summer of 6th and 7th grade i moved in with mom.
we were very happy,
and spent a pleasant summer in a little trailer in the country.
I began 7th grade at a new school.
somehow all the other girls had boobsÂ
and where a good head taller than me.
they where sniddy, and possessive.
I became very self conscious,
studying the whiney characters portrayed on MTV,Â
and various reality shows.
thats how i should be.
no wonder no one likes me!
simultaneously mom was falling back into old ways,
drinking, and ditching me at houses,Â
not returning until late in the night.
she brought home strange men,
who spoke of horrid things.
I was sure they would slit out throats in the night.
but no one seemed to listen.
mom slept all hours of the day,
never making me go to school,
naturally my grades dropped horribly,
mom and i always seemed to be fighting...
she could get violent.
one time at a sleep over,
my friends where being to loud,
and she began to strangle me.
only momentarily,
before she realized what she had tried to do,
and she let go.
mid school year,
I returned home to my father,
and mom soon moved down town portland.
with a boyfriend.
Adam Gorski.
a name that raises the demons in me.
I could so easily tear his face apart,
 and feel not a drop of guilt.
mom met him at a strip club she was working at.
it was fire and fire.
the passion turned to bitter hatred ,
on the rare actions mom would visit me,
she would be pale,
with yellow, and purple bruises swelling all over her body,
like horrible spots on a leopard.
he would throw her, punch her, beat her,
but never in-front of me,
I would fear for his life if he ever did.
my mom has been cruel to me,
but i love her with every cell of my body.
she is my own daughter in many ways.
meanwhile,
dad, his longtime girlfriend Tamsyn,Â
and I,
moved into my grandparents house,
and I was to begin school there.
This time,
I was ready to be somebody.
smart, cool, maybe a little bit rebellious.
I dyed my hair,
and began wearing eye liner.
I made several annoying friends like myself,
and was bullied unyieldingly by a good portion of the school.
my only safety was skipping class to escape to the bathroom.
sitting, waiting...
then returning home to isolate in my bedroom.
ahhh, but alas...
I started to click with a different group of kids,
kids who  knew things.
who made me feal like I knew things.
cool kids,
sexy kids.
who liked me.
they talked about drugs, sex, freedom...
I was interested.
so i tested the water.
One weekend I went over to my best friends house,
finaly convincing her to buy us some pot.
she wasnt keen on the idea,
she was a good kid.
but she trusted me.
we snuck out,
and past a pipe around.
after a few minutes i felt superb,
like floating,
a total "body high"
this was my calling,
I felt complete.
we went back to her house,
a giggling frenzy.
I felt so perfect.
the weekend ended, and I returned home.
naturally telling everyone I knew that I had smoked marijuana!!
next,
my boyfriend snuck over while my parents where out of the house.
I belive I was 13 at the time.
he begged me for sex, but i simply wasn't ready for that.
to be honest,
I hadnt even made out with a boy yet,
but I knew something had to be done.
I dropped to my knees,
and did what had to be done.
he left immediately afterwards.
once he was gone,
I went to the bathroom and threw up.
feeling guilty but accomplished.
now that i was an official 'badass'
i would sneek off campus during school to smoke pot with
my new partner in crime, Felicia.
her parents were stoners,Â
so she would steel all the pot we needed.
soon afterwards,
I ran away from home to stay with felicia.
we smoked pot, and drank koolaid.
my dad was always driving by the house,
ad eventually called the police to have it searched.
her parents dropped me off in the middle of the night a mile or so from home.
cops where everywhere.
I sat in the bushes and smoked cigarettes until they  eventually stopped looking.
I ran back to Felicia's,
her parents cussed me out,
and felicia threw me my bag.
I walked home in the dark,
arriving late at night.
I received a cold, angry welcome.
and was later arrested from my bed and taken to rehab.
I was there only about 20 some days.
I returned, at the beginning of summer,
forced to attend endless therapy, and summer school.
eventually school started again, and I entered the 9th grade.
and magically,
thanks to good ol' anorexia I was finally accepted, and showed with admirers,
I was cool, I was hot, and held the worthy tittle of 'stoner'
I had many friends, all beautiful, and impulsive.
we skipped almost all our classes,Â
and developed a fast bond.
it was not long before I was again, a run away.
suddenly I had every freedom I ever wanted.
clothes, alcohol, and cigarets where constantly available,
anything I needed I could shoplift.
my new friends introduced me to a new world,
they kept me safe.
and always high as a kite.
but i was ready to try new things.
I tried coke, and shroomz.
pleasantly surprised by the sensations of each.
I slept on couches, or passed out at parties.
I had a boyfriend, but was still virgin,
I was 14 he was 16.
I came home a month later.
feeling spiritually enlightened by my experiences..
after returning I was again arrested...
and taken to a residential home.
I packed on the pounds,
and came home once again.
and ran away to my old friends,
they cried, to have me 'home'
back on the streets,
and had much to introduce me to.
their where new faces to meet,
and more drugs to try.
hello meth, acid, and pills!
I finally lost my virginity, at a ripe old age of 15.
and lived with my mom in Seattle for 2 weeks.
they were living in a sleazy hotel, with one room and one bed.
although she provided cigarettes,
I was away from my turf, and had no money for drugs.
I started to have withdrawals.
and mom and adam fought constantly.
he yelled at me,
and screamed at mom.
I lost my mind, and demanded to be taken home,
but they would not let me go.
I felt like a hostage.
until finally my two weeks where up, and they drove me home.
the whole drive mom harassed me, saying wicked things.
she dropped me off at a gass station,
where dad later picked me up,
with no time to run, or have a smoke.
he arrived in the truck,
angry, hurt, tense.
when we arived at the house my room had been striped,
and was close to empty.
I started to sob.
"wheres all my shit!"
my stash of cigarettes and pills where gone.
the next day I was arrested yet again...
and this time taken to a mental hospital.
evaluated, and ironicallyÂ
taken to the same rehab i had entered a year before.
I repented, reminisced,
but ultimately held no interest in change.
the most i got out of the program was an exchange ofÂ
phone numbers with dealers, and horny guys.
but at the end of my stay,
one of my favorite group councilors saw my passionÂ
for nature, and mother earth.
he recommended a wilderness therapy program,
where he used to work.
inspired, I agreed.
and off I went.
little did I know what was to come.
I was driven, In a van for many endless hours.
the three weeks to follow was an intense wilderness survival corse.
I had to s**t in a holeÂ
with nothing but sticks andÂ
sage brush to wipe my ass.
we were ordered to hike miles a day, wearing a 60 pound back pack.
living on dehydrated refried beans, and tea.
at the end of the three weeks,Â
I was led to a mountain,Â
and left on my own for 3 days to fend for myself,
with no human contact.
I fell into a deep depression,
finally once the treck was over,
I recieved word that from there I would be sent to
a foster home in eastern oregon.
At first I was mortified,
but the experience proved itself to be memorable.
for three monthes I lived with a crazy family,
on a beautiful farm.
I rasied a baby fawn,
who slept in my bed,
and followed me everywhere,
I played with rattle snakes,
and kissed toads.
built forts, went fishing,
rode horses... all was well.
then returned home, in septemberÂ
and began life anew,
and that brings us up to now.
maybe Ive quite the drugs but
I cant stop eating,Â
Im compulsively checking my email,
my life is miserable.
I do nothing but watch TV and soft core porn.
im totally stuck.
I am  powerless over my addiction.
