Its hard to live by the “one day at a time†philosophy. I drank everyday because everyday erased what happened the day before. They all meshed together. Sure, I went to those lengths drunk and I can do the same in sobriety, but one day, one second, turns into a nightmare because I use to live to forget time. Drown whatever was left. Days mean nothing to me. I’m living to die at this point. I need to live in peace. Why the h*ll? do I want to numb myself? There are many things in my life to be grateful for now, and trust me I am, but that feeling of wanting to numb myself is there. I am afraid of my head. I do not want to think those depressive thoughts. Yet, if I stuff them all down, everything will blow at once. Letting them out does not seem to do much either. That only allows me to realize what I feel and let it be true. I know that I cannot drink or use no matter the desire. Sure, I can, but then everything I have thankfully left is shot to h*ll? and there will be no coming back. I could not live with myself if I do that again. Do I want to drink right now? Of course I do. The obsession is there. I could right now, its only four days I will lose opposed to losing more. F***ing disease! Cunning, baffling, powerful. I know it all to well. I am already justifying that my time in jail was not as bad and that I am a pussy for letting that “destroy†me. I could have been in there for longer and really make it seem terrible. But it was horrible enough! That safety cell was the worse. Cold. Naked. Alone. Hungry. Pain. Why the F**k would I have a desire to even chance that s**t again? Or to chance the fact IT WILL GET WORSE??!?!? I know it will get worse. Some reason I want to see my self destruction. I have to be destructive somehow. Lets see, without drugs/alcohol, I could accomplish such by sleeping around more, eating disorders, not sleeping, start mutilating again, the options are endless. Going back to that would mean drinking in the end. Everything I do to harm myself is never going to amount to alcohol. That effect that takes me everywhere and nowhere. That is the bottom line. However, I never had tired those other non-drug options. I am going to meetings up my ass and sharing, why do I have these thoughts??!?! Why must I be the way I am? I regret way too much in this past week.- smoking with terase, having her and heather buy me booze, Showing up plastered at aftercare, driving to Moreno valley in a near blackout for sex, drinking with Rachel, letting her steal that cart of s**t instead of making a big scene in the store, letting ste ph take those weed hits, lying to Amanda and mom, getting high after a good day, making an ass of myself to Felix, going out at 430 am, taking advantage of Stephanie and having her buy me alcohol, going to the movies, making an ass with resisting arrest, saying I want to kill myself, hitting everything, and just being me. Alcohol caused all those F***ing regrets. Alcohol has caused every cell of pain in my body. Whether it was the direct cause or not.
