I feel like I'm caught in that song by...I believe it's Aerosmith that SAYS "IT'S THE SAME OLD STORY, SAME OLD SONG AND DANCE MY FRIEND" Today while working, I had the feeling that I wasn't going to last much longer at my present employer. I should have never left my old employer, though when your promised all the things that you are not getting at your other job, you step out in stupidity, oh I mean faith. Lol, So, got a couple of bucks left for bills, what should I do? I know…go catch a buzz. Mmmmmmmm, sounds quite inviting doesn’t it? NOT, No Way, why, where did that option go?. Staying clean is one or more right decisions a day and getting high is ONE bad decision away. The way I see it is like this. Staying clean is this, every time that little guy who sits on my shoulders with the horns, pitchfork, e.t.c., when he tells me to go have at it, I just have to make a decision to do something else but listen to him. I have listened to him time and time again. Where has it gotten me? Jails, Institutions, death, walking that is, literally hundreds of funerals. Not mine of course, not yet anyway.
So, I lost my job also today, and that guy on my shoulder is yelling in my ear, but there is one small, slight, problem. The option that “It” is presenting to me, has done left the table. See, I used to have all these options when times got tough. Being that I worked in a Red Light district for over 20 years, my options usually involved things like sex, drugs, rock and roll, but not necessarily in that order, heading back down the Block for some sort of entertainment. One night turned around 20 some years of bad habits. Being that I was a bartender in this same Red Light district, my excuse to go down there ranged anywhere from financial issues, to a little argument with whoever I happened to be with at the time. Yes, there was nothing the Block couldn’t cure.
No, that isn’t right, there was everything in my life, the Block could easily destroy. And it did for many a year. For those reading this, the Block is a decision. Yes, I know it’s true, I can’t go out and make a bad decision in my actions until I first make it in my conscience.(my mind) Many years ago, I was married to my now wife, but it was early in our marriage and we had a big fight and here comes old stinky drawers sitting up there yelling as hard as he can, to go do what I do and what I have always done to escape reality. After all the times I did what I knew I should not do, but wanted to do what I didn’t have the power to do within myself. I ask for help. God, help me, I have a new wife and I don’t want it to be the Same Old Song And Dance. Instead of having getting high as an option, I with great help had shoved that option off the table.
You can only choose to do what you have made an option to do. Take suicide as an option. That is an option not on the table any longer, though many years ago while being seriously abused, I came out of a trance with dear old dad’s service revolver in my mouth. That has been forty years ago, but still, when your are sick and tired of being sick and tired and I was self medicating even back then. So, if you are reading this, now that for me, today, and sometimes that’s all it can be, going out and making a bad decision in that arena is NOT an option. Isn’t that queer, that to stay clean might involve 10, 20, 50 right decisions a day, depending on how many times I am tempted. But getting high is just one bad decision and for many it’s off to the races. For me the night in question was just to do the opposite. The little guys saying “get high” but I say NO, what is the opposite of that. Well, I won’t bore you with a pile of details but to say, I went to a study, then spent the rest of the evening in all night prayer, praying for requests from all over the world, none of which I knew. How rewarding it is to pray for people that you don’t know, especially when they are going through stuff that makes your life seem like a walk in the park.
Tonight I will be praying for others and our family. I will trust God (higher power) to take care of the details of my life, but I won’t be sitting home waiting for the job fairy to show up at my door. Shalom to you and your home. OldSchool777 <
