So, I suppose every addict has been there before. That first day of sobriety. Well, today, that is were I am.
I don't even know where to start. It's been a long time since I've been on here- it almost seems like a lifetime ago. I'm a sex addict- at least in that I am addicted to porn and masturbation, as well as cyber sex. And it's pretty hard for me to admit that. Its hard, because for me, this has never been an addiction, but more of a bad habit. I've even called it a sin, but I've never sincerely called it an addiction.
But, I guess after everything I've tried in the last year (and in the years before) to stop, and all the failures, I can't make any more excuses. And I certainly have a lot of them, just like any other addict. I also have just as many stories of the same old cycle. I slip somehow, then make a promise to myself, God, or even one of the few people who know about my issues, only to break it.
Usually, I break the promise, only to immediately make another one. My slips are usually just a couple days long, then I have a few days, or a week, or a few weeks, or even a month or two of sobriety before i have yet another slip. Its a terrible cycle, and I think the worst part is that I've stopped feeling bad about it. And now that's led to the worst slip I've had in a long time- if it can even be called just a slip after lasting more than two weeks. Its more of a binge honestly.
And, in that same spirit of honesty that I'm trying to get into so I can really see things clearly, I don't even really want to stop right now. For the first time, I'm realizing how truly out of control I am- in this exact moment, I could choose to slip again so easily. The feeling is terrifying, and I'm not really sure what to do. But, maybe writing will help. So, this is me, publicly dclaring that I'm starting over. I hope I can get it right this time.
Tags: Addiction Sex Pornography Recovery
