"Codependence"

Well folks, this Sunday's meeting was on “codependence.”

As a recovering codependent myself, it would be inappropriate for me to speak on anyone else’s comments. There’s some fun irony for ya, huh?

Anyway, one did reach out for help with a daughter’s grief/codependence/independence issues, and of course all the codependents attending had to start trying to “slap Band-Aids on bullet holes,” as I like to call it, with a bunch of cross talk. However, my prayers are with her and I will be writing her later to share some of my H, S & E.

My experience tells me that there are no absolute or quick answers for anyone. Not even as to what the heck codependence really is. It’s one of these “recovery buzz-words” that folks who watch too much self-help TV use without having a single clue how to verbalize what meaning they’re actually trying to get across. For example: I noticed that when I actually typed the words, “What is codependence?” onto the chat screen, everyone disappeared inside of a minute! It was almost comical to me … but then I had to go potty, so I was glad things broke up so early.

Personal note to the buzz word crowd: I HATE Oprah. I also HATE DR. Phil. I am allowed to hate both Oprah and Dr. Phil. If you don’t like that I hate Oprah and Dr. Phil, that’s pretty much T.D.B. If you think watching self help TV makes you “active in recovery,” I’m very sorry to disappoint you, but you just might want to try to discover how delusional you may actually be before you hurt yourself and those around you more than you probably already have. Twelve Step recovery is about uniting with others in fellowship, serving others to get free of self-centeredness, and self-examination to discover what parts of/things in my life need God’s help to be changed. TV is about drama. If you cannot tell the difference, you may need real live Twelve Step recovery!

I was fortunate. When I was first introduced to the term “codependence,” and to the Fellowships of Al-Anon and CoDependents Anonymous [CoDA], I had a therapist  I was working with who wouldn’t let me use the buzz word without explaining exactly what issue I was talking about. I needed to learn to verbalize what was really going on, not use buzz words and expect folks to read my mind. To this day I thank God for that woman!!! It was only a few years later that I discovered she is a long time member of Al-Anon, a fellowship for friends and families of alcoholics, that dealt with codependence many years before the buzz word term was coined.

There are a couple of groups on this site, one I belong to, that desire to explore that issue:

http://myrecoveryspace.com/groups/view/id_53/title_for-codependents/

and http://myrecoveryspace.com/groups/view/id_2/title_courage-to-change/

These probably can, and to a much greater extent than actually can be done here in a 3 minute share, IMHO. Participate, and you might discover a whole new needed aspect in your recovery. Warning: you just might have to do some personal work to get there. The good thing is that recovery is a heck of a lot cheaper than therapy.

CoDA’s first step is “We came to believe we were powerless over others, that our lives have become unmanageable.” Someone thought to say that wasn’t the issue at the meeting. I disagree. It’s usually when I’m struggling with any issue in my life today that I discover I am usually struggling with accepting the first step. For me, it almost always comes back to the Serenity Prayer. When I am attempting to accept the unacceptable or I am attempting to change the unchangeable, I have set myself against the grant of serenity, courage and wisdom I have asked for in using that prayer. When I do that, I’m functioning in self-will. Years of trial and error in the program of recovery have taught me one huge principle: God’s will can do what my will cannot. There’s the old saying “Prayer may not change things for me, but it can sure change me for things.” Many days, that’s about the best I can hope for.

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You've gotta be tough to be named after a Muppet

Good post !   absolutely not a "TV" issue- You have to put in intensive hours of reading, step work and meetings...You have to: walk the walk....If it took 24 years to get into the(se) woods, you ain't gettin out today.

    I was in so much pain, I was willing to go to any lengths to heal-

It was life and death. I was VERY "Sick and tired of being sick and tired."

There are no short cuts, the only way out is through.

I interviewed counsellors( - to make sure they were in recovery-)

and then went to counselling and my 12 step programs. AA got me to where I was ready to do my ACOA work- ( We don't/ didn't have CoDa? so I can't speak to that)

It has been an amazing journey thus far- well worth all the effort. Nia

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Attitude of Gratitude

Gee whiz, my favorite subject

     I was going to say I'm sorry I missed the meeting, but mayhaps not. That single term, (Co-------nce) gets my hackles up. As aNiMaL states, what was originally coined to described the enabling of an alcoholic by another family member so as to maintain control has evolved into a serious big $$$ epidemic, where now they have everyone codependent on everyone else. Wouldn't surprise me if our pets are codependent by current "standards" (although our lizard doesn't quite seem to meet the requirements). Therapists are now even termed codependent as to their patients (yeah, and the money they pay - duh).
     When we first started this journey, my wife was pretty much beat up around the tables for a few months at our local Al-Anon group. All because she didn't badmouth me or admit that her life was no better because I was sober. According to several people who had no problem telling me her problems (so much for confidentiality), she had to be so deeply into denial that they figured we were both were hopeless.
I did about three months of research on the subject and it's history, went through a small pile of the current coffee table books and concluded that it is a really great way to make a buck - if you don't have any scruples. Threw the books out.
    Therein lies the problem with the "C" word. Often well meaning people put it out there and forget to place it into context. so many take it at face value and never look any further. In this day and age where we are all looking for answers to our problems, it is an easy out. Let the buyer beware.
    My wife and I discussed this over all the research and afterwards. We finally agreed we are "interdependent", and will always be -till death do we part...

Thanks,
Dennis

     For anyone interested, here's a link that says it far better than I can: http://www.addictioninfo.org/articles/164/1/The-Codependency-Idea-When-Caring-Becomes-A-Disease/Page 1.html

Can't you just see Ophra and Dr. Phil as a couple? Gotta love it.

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Mistaking life on life's terms