Greetings all,
We actually had a little meeting Sunday night [7pm PDT, 10pm EDT, 4am CEST] with the general topic of "slips."
This happens to be one of my areas of expertise.
I have great admiration for those who come to recovery and "get it" the first time. That, however, was not my experience.
Through the “encouragement†of a certain “agency,†I was introduced to a Fellowship of 12-Step based Recovery back in April of 1991 and I have 100 months continuous sobriety today. Doing the math might reveal I didn’t “get it†the first time, or even the thirtieth time. I stood in what I’ve heard called “the revolving door†for 9 years. "It takes what it takes." Had i done as instructed by certain angry people and tried to "go out and get done," i really doubt i'd be alive today. It's okay to be angry, but i strongly suggest that those folks take it out on someone other than a relapser. You never know who you might kill with that anger.
I’ll try not to let this turn into a mini 4th step or an autobiography, but I want to quickly share some of the road blocks that stood in my way. If this even helps one person here, I’ll have accomplished something good. Someone asked me the question, “What did it the last time?†The simple answer was “i boke my widdle hart with an inappropriate female type relationship,†more to the point, my difficulty in resolving grief over a broken inappropriate intimate relationship ... frankly, there was a bit more to it than that.
The problem for me can be broken into 4 parts,â€inappropriate relationship + lack of spiritual connection + no role model + thinking i know something = bad deal.â€
I’d like to take a look at these in the order in which they occurred in my life. First up, “no role model.†Having grown up in a “combative environment,†good role models were not to be found in my close (?) family, so I had no idea what such things as, “a healthy relationship,†“real love with commitment,†and “good male behavior†even looked like. Further, I had not pressed into the Fellowship enough to discover new role models for those things or that elusive thing I’ve heard called “supportive sponsorship.†The fault here was my impatience, based in an unwillingness to wait and find these things necessary. The solution for me was to reach out to others and find those models and that sponsor. That takes a while, so patience is needed.
Next up, my favorite, “thinking i know something.†My ego has nearly always caused me problems. Simply, I’m smart; “way too smart for my own good.†I don’t believe I’ve ever met anyone who’s too stupid to recover, but I’ve definitely met several who’s intellectual pride got in the way of their ability to listen and learn from anyone else, just like I was. The fault here was my pride, based in my unwillingness to admit my inexperience with real recovery or anything resembling viable relationships, and ask for guidance. My intellect d**ned near killed me. The solution is that i need to humble myself, and when i don't know something, ASK! "If you don't hear what you need to hear in a meeting, say it. If you don't see what you need to see in a meeting, be it."
A more common problem for most of us is a “lack of spiritual connection.†To those who don’t believe this a needed component in recovery, above, I’m very clear that I deal with “12-step based Recovery,†and since 6 of the 12 Steps mention or refer to God, I do to. I’m not here to debate with anyone. Such things as rational recovery didn’t work for me. 12-Steps Fellowships usually do not claim to have a monopoly on recovery, but I encourage all to find whatever conception of God works to help you grow in sobriety. Mine is the God who can provide the “act of Providence†mentioned in the Step One essay of the “12 x 12.†I became a Christian at 15, but my understanding of God had to change to be viable. My self condemnation manifested itself in shame and guilt, pains that prevented me from having any willingness to look at those beliefs. My eyes had been blinded by my prejudice, and so I was unwilling to even try to be spiritually connected to anything outside of myself. The solution i have found is right out of the Big Book. "My friend suggested what then seemed a novel idea. He said, "Why don't you choose your own conception of God?"
That statement hit me hard. It melted the icy intellectual mountain in whose shadow I had lived and shivered many years. I stood in the sunlight at last.
It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning. I saw that growth could start from that point. Upon a foundation of complete willingness I might build what I saw in my friend."
Lastly is the “inappropriate female type relationship.†I used to regularly devalue myself by taking whatever I could get in the way of female company … one could predict that that was not much. “Anything is better than nothing†was the lie I told myself. Today I acknowledge one thing about myself that is a point of self-respect; I have a precious and fragile heart. All the machismo and male ego I had could not hide that when I became willing to take a good look at my reactions to the broken relationships and traumas of my past. Today, I have learned that I prefer loneliness to misery. I have committed to not rob myself of the good things available to me by taking the things that are not appropriate and thus cheating myself. The solution is to honor my heart and not put it out there for every sick woman i want for some reason to hurt. I had to learn to trust the trustworthy and to allow my trust to be earned insted of blindly throwing it around.
I could probably write a ton more from the things I’ve learned and experienced in working the Steps, but time prohibits. You'll note that i've bolded the word willingness above a few times. If I don't exercise some willingness, i'm wasting a lot of my time here. I don’t get loaded today, no matter what. That's something called committment.
The most important committment; KEEP COMING BACK!
e-hugs
