Howdy all -

     Interesting view today. a study in watercolors. A man sitting outside the back of his house. Early in the morning, having coffee and watching the sun come up. Thinking (which can be a bad thing for a drunk by himself) of the day to come and obligations to meet. There is something different about this picture from one that one could see in one's minds eye from years ago.

     No cans and bottles to pick up. No hangover. No pissed off spouse. Not having to figure out what one did and who needs a lie to unruffle feathers. Who to aviod for a few weeks till the anger fades.

     All those things described me just a handful of years back.

    The drunken tornado.

     Glibly spinning through life, destroying everything in my path.

     Dodging consequences and responsibility.

     I like today's picture better. It makes me smile inside. Today I can do that. Smile inside. I wasn't able to a while back.

     Smiling is a good thing for this drunk. It would be good for you too...

Nuff said,

Dennis

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Howdy all -

     Tis looking to be a bright and wonderful day here in the high desert. I's been a bit since I wrote & everyone know how bad habits are easy to start and hard to break.

     I speak up and back with a friend here and they said" I've got 3 weeks sober - not much but a start". I thought about that for a bit and looked back to my first three weeks of real sobriety. That first few weeks in sobriety is the lynchpin that the rest of life life hangs on. I remember getting my 30, 60 and 90  day chips. How much crazy thinking had to be changed and wrong actions had to be corrected. How insignificant I felt my accomplishments were.

     It's a matter of scale - one that we have to continually readjust in our minds. Sure, a day (or a week, month  - whatever) sober may not seem like much for some, especially when caught up in the mainstream of life. But for us when newly sober (for the first time or the tenth) these time periods are an eternity. Physical, mental and emotional challenges abound. Even knowing the tools to stay sober aren't enough. Tis said that I must act my way into good thinking. It's true. It takes 90 days to form a habit - especially one that does not give instant gratification. So, I need to follow the example of sober others and do what they did to gain physical, emotional and spiritual sobriety.

One day at a time.

Just another day, my friend?

Never.

Live it well...

Nuff Said,

Dennis

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Back again -

     I was cogitating a mite on something that came up as a topic in a meeting a while back and two pictures appeared.

     The first is an oil done in the dark colors and harsh lighting of night. it shows a man in a restauraunt/bar, showing the wear and tear that some of us do after a long afternoon and evening of drinking. Red and blue lights flashing through the windows, two policemen have the man in the position, checking for weapons and getting ready to cuff him.

     I see another picture - pastels this time, of the same man sitting at the restauraunt in the same establishment with his family eating dinner on another evening. No drinking carousing and troublemaking on this day. Greetings from friends and neighbors. Quiet conversation and smiles.

What's the difference? For myself and many others it was God, the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and time that made the difference.

In that first picture I lacked something I had in the second. It's called dignity.

Answers.com defines dignity:

(dĭg'nĭ-tē)
n., pl., -ties.

1. The quality or state of being worthy of esteem or respect.
2. Inherent nobility and worth: the dignity of honest labor.

     I like that first definition. Worthy of esteem or respect. One of the promises we get from living the program - and often don't even notice it...

Nuff said,

Dennis

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Howdy  all -

     It's kind of cool today, so soap bubbles are out. Sidewalk chalk is too pastel for what I see, so today I'll scrape another canvas (sorry, Elvis) and use some more vibrant colors. An interesting montage I see today, what appears to be a family around the christmas tree, pile high wil open packages and discarded wrappings. But I sense a problem with the picture. All the faces wear smiles, but they seen stiff, off kilter. Like they are there more out of politness then real happiness at the plethora of gifts the have piled in front of them or joy over being able to share with each other.

     Thats what I used to be like. A fake smile pasted over the contempt or boredom I really felt at these occasions. What I really wanted to be was anywhere else. With MY stuff. Not watching them enjoy theirs.

     This was a familiar problem for me. This idea of not being happy with what I have was more a rule than the exception. Whether it be not right kind. Too big, too small, neighbor has something better. D*mn lawnmower wars. Enough attention or too much attention. Not enough love or too much. Lots of stuff, but never enough or the wrong kind. 

     Not enough? Too much? Happy medium? Yeah, right. Ungrateful brat!

     Along comes sobriety, 12 steps and a real cold splash of reality ice water in the face. This picture sends two messages to me.

     The first is that the "stuff" I have does not define me - that comes from within. Detaching myself from the desire to have the best, most or biggest sure does simplify my life.

     The second is that when I form expectations about people, places, things and events - I can really be setting myself up for a fall. So it's very important for me to remember that my own assumptions and expectations can sabotage my serenity and peace of mind just as well as an audit notice from the Infernal Revenue Service can make me feel apprehensive for a second or two.

     Does this mean that I lower my standards or expectations? No, I don't think so. What I must do is temper them with the realization that this is life on life's terms, not mine. His will, not mine. That people will be people, with all the myriad variations involved. And that no man is an island. All good things for this drunk to remember...

Enjoy the gifts, my friends,

Dennis

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Howdy all -

Old TV shows were great. After his run with the Twilight Zone Rod Serling came out with Night Gallery. Rod Serling had a wonderful gift for understated and subtle suspense and horror. I have always enjoyed his programs.

But he could never compete with the macabre and twisted thoughts that went through my head when I was drinking.

It's been bandied about the rooms that the most dangerous neighborhood in the world for an alcoholic is his own mind.  Alone in there I could conjour up the wildest ideas and project the strangest results from even the most mundane of circumstances or simple situations. I took fantastic sucesses and reduced them to pitiful wrecks. I made bad times good and good times bad - all by the twist of my mind.

I hurt people that I thought deserved it. I let people hurt me because I thought I deserved it. I used to wake up in the middle of the night remembering things I had done - often hurting others.  Sometimes after a blackout, I found out how twisted this alcoholic mind was from the very people I hurt. 

Thanks to God and AA I don't have to do that today. Nor do I have to worry about what goes on in my head or what I did last night. There is a solution - 12 simple steps. It worked for me - it'll work for anyone...

Nuff Said,

Dennis

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Its OK to be wrong...

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Good Morning -

     I hear every now and then somebody with centuries of truly quality sobriety (/sarcasm) tell someone with just a short period in recovery that until they have "X" or more years they have nothing to contribute.

     Bull Sh*t.

     Couldn't be further from the truth. I don't know about you, but I remember when I first came into the rooms I had a really hard time relating to anyone with more than about two years of continous sobriety. Not that I didn't believe them, but I didn't feel the way they did. I couldn't project my life to where they were.

I was on pretty shaky emotional and spiritual ground. Didn't know how to "live life on life's terms", "drop the rock" or apply many of the tools of AA to my life. All I knew was if I drank I would die.

I learned a lot from people with between 2 months and 2 years under their belts. They said things I understood. spoke of feeling the way I did. They talked of things they did to solve their immediate problems. Often the same problems I was looking at trying to solve without playing the fool. I also had a sponsor, but often found what I needed from those young others. My sponsor just confirmed what they had said.

    Sure, many of us with only a few months of sobriety may not be ready to be a sponsor. But one should never belittle their contribution at the tables. Often their newly sober example is the one reason that newcomers come back. That hope that they can someday have 30 days without drinking.

That's a good thing for this drunk... 

Nuff Said,

Dennis

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Howdy all -

     Really good imagery in the mind's eye today. A scene in the mountainous forest, in oils. The central figure for the symbolic picture is a huge tree. A snapshot of 5 people; an older couple, a younger couple and a young lass. They are together on an outing. Obviously happy to be together.

      Normally my pictures show an aspect of recovery. This one is no different. There is a important paragraph called "the Promises" in AA's big book. It tells us what joy can be had simply by doing the 12 simple steps.  The picture above shows those promises in all their glory.

     I joined this site few years back and made a few friends, some of which are still here and we cross virtual paths on occasion. Tina (Godluvsall) and I hit it off well from the beginning and a friendship bloomed, soon including her husband (then fiance) and daughter and my wife. Little did any of us know that we would meet 6000 feet up in the mountains when this all started those years ago.

Yesterday we did. It was like we had known each other for years. Friends out playing tourist and having a picnic lunch high in the Sierras. Chatting and laughing. Speaking (kindly of course!) of common friends. Taking pictures. Wandering about. We eventually hugged and were forced to go our separate ways.

So what has this to do with recovery and those much touted promises? If she or I'd have still been drinking, none of this could ever have happened. Nor many of the tears of both pain and joy that led to and cemented this friendship.The good Lord has in fact done for us more than we could have ever done for ourselves.

Changing our lives forever. For the good.

Will this happen again? Mebbe, mebbe not.

Does it matter? Not really. Would be wonderful if it did, but it doesn't have to. We don't need it.

It would not be the same the second time.

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."

 Remember, you can have these promises come true. All you have to do is want them more than anything in the world...

Nuff Said,

Dennis

BTW - the tree is named "General Sherman": http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/General_Sherman_(tree) Big is putting it mildly...

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Howdy all -

    No pictures today. The title for this blog was a gift from Keith B. He has the innate ability to ferret things out - like where the hell is the court jester?  I was going to tell him I have stopped by the site, answered a few messages - so I've been around, kinda. just not feeling well or some BS.  Just blow him off. But the truth is I have been 100% MIA where it counts. No - I didn't go back out, still sober as any one of our ilk can be. But in a way, sober activities have had to take a back seat for a bit. But you cannot blow off friends. Making amends will not be the order of the dayfor this drunk.

Now as Paul Harvey says, the rest of the story:

     A short while back I ended up going to the doctor. Had a cold that turned into a lung infection. Making this incredibly boring story short is I was diagnosed with very severe emphysema. Well, now there is a great way to start out the year. Then we find the "standard" medications don't work. On the plus side that means that my prescription medicine bills will stay low.

     So I'm currently getting all the ducks in a row to see if I'm a viable candidate for a procedure called Lung Volume Reduction Surgery (LVRS). It's a process by which they go in and take out the bad sections of the lungs so the good parts can expand better (that is, if the disease is not uniformly spread throughout the lungs). God willing, I'll be a shoo-in. I should know something in the next few weeks.

     An interesting analogy for those that are interested. LVRS & God is to my emphysema as AA and God was to my drinking. It's only by the grace of God and Alcoholics Anonymous that I am alive and sober today. It is most hopefully that (yet again) by His grace and the skills of the professionals at Cedars-Sinai will I live. You see, this (like my alcoholism) is a 100% self-inflicted wound. Years of smoking. No different that my years of drinking. Yet another progressive and deadly disease caused by a series of bad decisions.

     So, I haven't been the best of sorts to be around. This disease had occupied most of my non-working hours, fighting it, understanding it and exploring the options I have available. My wife has been truly amazing and patient with me. My employer has been astoundingly accomodating. Now I ask that you all bear with me for a bit until we get it sorted out.

 I have found that if you cannot breath - nothing else matters, even not drinking. But every time I get my breath back,- I find that there is still nothing worth drinking over.

Tis a good thing for this drunk to know and pass on...

Nuff Said,

Dennis

Tags: Hope

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