Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow is a reading my home group does every time they meet.  It is very fitting for me these days because I am experiencing the death of my father, who was a member of AA on and off for the last 5 years.  He drowned September 10 in the Atlantic sea off Cape Breton Island.  I talked to him the night before he died and he was talking about the future, settling back into the home town he grew up in as a boy finally and the kindnesses of strangers who remembered him but who he did not remember.  We talked as we usually did but I remember there was a calmness and I was able to put aside my worry about my Dad, was he eating ok, sleeping, would he mix his pain medication (he just had just refilled the script) with alcohol as he usually did, was he finally going to walk across the street to the church that held an AA meeting Tuesday nights.  He said his cousin was helping him quit drinking and that he was hoping he was going to stay quit.  My Dad was a feeler...like a lot of us.  Felt emotional pain 1,000 times harder than the average person and would hold resentments, well until the day he died.

I found his Big Book, 12 & 12, Living Sober and Daily Reflections books with his favouite books like Guiness Books of World Records, Mohammad Ali's Story.  Later I would read a work injury assessment that basically said my Dad was ilterate.  How many times did I say Dad read your Big Book, he couldn't, h*ll? I can't understand some of the words or expressions sometimes!

Yesterday....I remember the good times when he was there for me like no otherone. The times we laughed until we cried.

Today....the not so good memories are fading and I can truly see how much my Dad was suffering with this disease 2,000 miles away from me.  I see how much he did try and how much he did love others but could not love himself; his spiritual connection exhausted.  Today I am proud to call him my Dad when there were times that I was ashamed to call him my Dad. Today I hold my Dad's honour high and will do what I can to preserve what dignity he has left. The town is talking about the situation around his death and some of it is true, what they are seeing is the symptoms of the disease of alcoholism and not the life, the person it affects...my Dad wasn't a nasty guy, he was a guy that had the full affects of alcoholism raging inside him...much like cancer in it's final stages.

Tomorrow (Oct. 4) I will take a flight to Cape Breton Island and finish with my Father's house business, talk to the Mounties and connect with family there.  But more than that I will be more aware of who my Dad really was and not who I thought he was.  It is kind of funny how I know him now more after his death than before his death.

Thanks for reading and your support at this most difficult time.

Karie

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Trust

I need to get something off my chest and my earlier blog was not my best.  I was too aggitated to be articulate and was somewhat reactive.

Well here it is…

I have been deceived.  A secret held away from me.  For a while by the sounds of it, by a person I trusted…not only trusted but it was rebuilt trust as this person is in their own recovery so our relationship went through the emotional wringer.

OK it’s my child.  Different yes. Different no.  I don’t know.  I feel deceived.  Almost tricked.  You see my intuition was telling me there was more going on but when I asked I was told no there was no truth to my thought.  Yes you that know me somewhat will know that being told my reality is not true is a trigger for me.  Childhood trauma 101. 

I watched her, stood back when she fell praying that she would get back up, helped when I could in God’s time and waited and wondered what tomorrow would bring.  I have fought for her in court not a place I like to return to but have because it’s the right thing to do.  I thought we had something we don’t: trust…and a bond that would stand anything.

She said to me yesterday “I have something to tell you that you are not going to like.”  (This in my experience means that she knows it’s not a good idea but she’s doing it anyways) “Ok tell me.” I said.  She told me and it wasn’t what she told me but that I was the last one to know other than my fiancé.  It was the fact, I am being honest now, that she told her Dad before me and “for a while now” he and other family members knew her news.  I didn’t feel like we had the kind of relationship I thought we had…I had failed again at creating and participating in an unconditional love relationship with my daughter.  She shared her news with people, mostly her Dad here people, who have not supported her and cared for her like I have.  I went to any lengths for her at all times to all places.  Parenthood sucks to sometimes.  Guess I had expectations.

I am hurt and don’t know how to respond to her news so I said minimal and left it to God to sort out.

What do I do now?  Pray and ask for acceptance.  Let Go and Let God and Live and Let Live.  I am grateful I have the tools in my program to deal with this and I know it will pass.  Trust-worthiness is one of the most important qualities of a person I want in my life today.

One day at a time,

Karie   

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Trust can suck.

Karie

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I was given this by a friend in recovery and thought I would pass it along.

10^th Step Guide: The Twelve Nightly Questions

Chronology of today’s events:

1. How was I resentful? (If so do a 4-columum inventory)
2. How was I selfish?
3. How was I dishonest?
4. How was I afraid?
5. Do I owe an apology? Who did I help today?
6. What have I wrongly kept secret?
7. Was I unkind? ie: cruel, harsh, unfeeling? What did I accomplish today?
8. Was I unloving? Ie: cold, unresponsive or indifferent?
9. What could I have done better? What am I grateful for today?
10. Was I thinking about myself most of the time?
11. Was I thinking of what I could do for others? Who needs my prayers today?
12. Was I thinking of what I could pack into the stream of life?

But we are careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others.  After making our reviews we ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken we say a prayer:

God please for give me for my failings today.  I know that because of my failings I was not able to be as effective as I could have been for you.  Please forgive me and help me to live Thy will better tomorrow.  Father I ask that you now show me how to correct the errors I have just outlined.  Guide me and direct me.  Please remove my arrogance and my fear.  Show me how to make my relationships right, and grant me the humility and strength to do Thy will.  Amen.

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I just realized that I am approaching my 2,400 sober day-on Wednesday.  I would never have thought about this but noticed the sober counter on my page here and thought wow- that's a lot of one day at a times!

How did I do it?  Same as Day 1.  I woke up & asked for help from God, went to a meeting, listened, shared my feelings, related- got my medicine for the day, talked to another alcoholic, thanked God and said good night only to do it all again the next day.  I have been attending meetings 3-7 times a week.  That's what I have had to do to keep me sober.

Simple program for complicated people- like me. 

Easy? Hell? no, there have been days, even hours when I wanted to drink again BUT....I reached out to another AA member, prayed or went to a meeting- sometimes I had to do all three and you know what I know I am worth it today.  I want to be sober more than I want to be drunk.  I want to feel more than I want to be numb.  I want to live more than I want to be dead or dying.

Thanks to the people here for helping me when I reached out, you rock! (love that head-banger dude)

I thank you for my sobriety!  Thanks for being here so I can be here to!

Blessings to you,

Karie

Tags: One Day At A Time

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I have been wanting to write a blog for a bit now- couple of weeks but I seem to get stuck... like the stuff in my sinus cavity...gross sorry see I am stuck.

I am sure some of you can relate so I am doing what I have been taught to do in AA- ask for help.

I have had a lot of stuff going on over the last while- every area of my life has been impacted- physical, emotional, spiritual, homelife, work and relationships.  I am grateful that I have learned the tools to use in recovery and that I am able today to reach out to others for help and to help.

I am writing more to offer what little I can to the members here as I am grateful that this place exists and that I realise that a lot of you really mean something to me.  When I first arrived here last summer I thought I would try it out and be more of an observer...not for long because I was able to relate and watch people grow and recovery and fall and grow and recover and slip and get a helping hand from strangers who cared to spread the message of recovery and watched one alcoholic/addict helping another- true gratitude in action.

So thanks everyone for being here for me and for allowing me the honour of being here for you so I can give back what was freely given to me.

In gratitude, with a little less stuckness,

Karie

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To my friends who are struggling,,,a prayer.

Dear God
I cannot stop drinking, using, eating, worring..(say your own).
I have tried.
I have tried so hard.
And still, Lord, I go back and do it all again though I hate myself for doing it.
I cannot stop,
I cannot stop.
You dear God, are my refuge and security and strenght when I cannot go on.
Please lift me up and share Your strength with me.
Please lift this burden from me, the burden of this addiction, the pain of this self-hatred, the power of this demon within me.
I do not have the power on my own to fight this beast.
But You dear God do.
You do.
I praise Your strength and power and love.
Please give it to me.
Please take away my desire to drink (use, eat, worrry etc.)
Please take it away,
Please take it away.
I surrender all,
I lay myself in your arms.
Please give me a miracle.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Amen

This prayer I have used myself in the past and it has given me peace- may it also give you peace!
it is from Marianne Williamson's "Illuminata- A Return To Prayer."
One day at a time,
Karie

Tags: Healing

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Hey friends in recovery,
I am asking for some help- not easy for me.
I have a big change that will be happening shortly in my life- I am losing my dream job.  I was told Nov. 28 that my position would not longer exsist.  I am so sad.  I am greiving I know but I want to have faith that when God closes a door a window will open.
I have already reached out to a few of you here who know a little more about me and I thank you for all the encouragement. 
Tonight I am feeling the pain physically in my body-soreness which is a sign of my sadness I have learned in my recovery time.  It can be very difficult for me to stay in my sadness-it is the hardest feeling for me to allow to just "BE".
What I am asking for are prayers for peace, comfort and trust in my heart.
The good thing tody is that I am aware of my feelings and can express/identify them.  Before when I was drinking every feeling was either anger or happiness- no in between.
With graditude,
Karie
PS I now will call my sponser....

Tags: Change

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Alice Cooper was so exciting!
I have always wanted to see Alice Cooper in concert and I got to do it this week!!
My fiance and I were in the 9th row middle on the floor.  We saw the blood spray- yes kinda gross but Halloween right around the corner makes it all good.
I love Halloween, every since I was little I loved to dress up like someone else- hey that's what happened when I drank I became someone else!  A kind of lost monster of sorts.
Back to Alice.  
He used to scare the crap out of me as a girl but I was still drawn to him- kinda like my ex-husband- but that's a different blog.
Ever wonder where the word blog came from I don't really know but my guess is that it is out of the word belong.
Back to Alice. 
Alice sang all the old songs and only a couple I wasn't really familiar with but heard years ago.
It was so cool to be 30-40 feet away from him and really feel like part of the show.  Alice is The Showman for sure; he connects to the audience and still has incredible enery.  The band was awesome too.  I love connecting to others in recovery and speaking the language of recovery- the language of the soul.
Back to Alice.
Alice sang his heart out and looked like he was enjoying himself.  Yes, there were people smoking pot.  But amazingly enough not that many- and we hardly noticed- a gift of recovery! 
It was great to fully enjoy the concert, remember all of it & not get kicked out or worry about cops pulling on my arm to escort me out.
Thanks Alice! Because YOU are an inspiration to me!
Kariemac

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