Met with my sponsor tonight after my homegroup. That's been when we've always met.
After we finish with our sponsor-sponsee time, we usually hang out with his wife, and whoever else happens to be there.
Tonight was a little different, though.
After we finished, he told me that he wasn't certain he was comfortable going through the Step Guide with me anymore. His reason is that though he's worked the steps all the way through, he's now going through the Guide with his new(ish) sponsor, and he hasn't worked as far through the Guide as I have.
I can understand where he's coming from. He told me he intends to talk to his sponsor and a few other guys about it, and he also advised me to perhaps begin "looking at some resumes."
I can very much respect that he was up front with me about it.
I'm really REALLY tired of everything in my life having to change every couple years. He's my second sponsor, and I trust him with anything I could bring to him. He gives me a perspective that I usually don't see myself initially, and very much value the relationship I have with him.
I don't
want to shop for a new sponsor,
especially given that I'm going to be potentially moving to a different part of the country this autumn, and I'll have to do that then anyways (along with get used to new
everything).
His daughter's first birthday was Friday. I helped them set up for the party. Very much consider them to be family.
My disease is telling me that if I change sponsors (with or without a big move this autumn) that feeling of family will fade, and I've had that happen too d**ned frequently.
I am going to pray about it, turn it over, talk to other recovering addicts, all the things I know to do.
I can have Faith, but that doesn't mean my fears aren't real. I'm so used to rationalizing my feelings, then burying them. Yeah, his choice makes sense; I'm still scared and sad, and feel somehow responsible "must be my fault, somehow."
Anyhow, I just needed to vent a bit, and I don't know many people that are awake at this time of night. Things are the way they're supposed to be, I'm just where my HP wants me, and it's not as bad as it seems. Feelings pass, and I grow from them.
Tags: Venting
We will not, however, achieve a state of spiritual perfection, regardless of how diligently we apply the Sixth Step to our lives. We will most likely see the defects we deal with today manifest themselves in a variety of ways throughout our lifetime. Even after years of recovery, we may feel devastated at the reappearance of some old defect we thought had been removed. We are humbled by our imperfection - but let there be no mistake; humility brings us back down to earth and plants our feet firmly on the spiritual path we are walking. We smile at our delusions of perfection and keep on walking. We're on the right path, headed in the right direction, and each step we take brings progress.It Works How and Why page 67
Today I was reminded that I'm still prone to making childish decisions. Very humbling, indeed.
There are, in every Fellowship, "newcomers" who have
all the answers; they don't give a tin-plated iguana turd how many people warn them, trying to help them avoid learning lessons in a way that could take them "back out", and potentially others also, in their backdraft.
I allowed myself to participate in an argument with someone, in my humbled opinion, who displays characteristics of that belief.
It was counter-productive, and violated the 1st Tradition in an obvious, blatant way.
Why? I wanted to be "right."
Within the last week, I heard a friend with 20-ish years clean share in a meeting, "If it boils down to being
right, or being
happy, I'll choose happy every time."
Amazing how quickly I can forget those
hard-won gems of knowledge. I shouldn't expect perfection of myself, or even that I'll stop adding to my Eighth and Ninth Steps just because I'm clean for a few 24-hours.
Tags: Humility
